It’s impossible, I think, to be happy all the time. But there is something about this time of year that just makes me want to stay in bed, on the couch, or really, just sleep through the whole thing.
As a kid, I remember spending hours outside in the snow with my brothers and my friends. Building snow forts in the backyard, jumping off ladders into snow banks four feet high after the plows go by. Sledding down any hill we could find, and the annual trip to the big sledding hill for Christmas with our extended family followed by lasagna for dinner and gifts in the evening.
I can remember getting a particularly glamourous Barbie from my Grandpa one year, and a Cabbage Patch baby doll from my Grandma another year (I still have that baby doll) and how much I loved those times spent with my family.
As an adult, I have always hoped to provide those same memories for my kids. Also as an adult, I am learning exactly how hard my parents must have worked to make that happen for us. The tree, the decorations, the planning, and the shopping and the wrapping and the baking. At the risk of sounding like a certain green, Suess-like character we all know; Christmas just isn’t my jam.
I sometimes wonder if I stopped identifying myself as a ‘Summer Person’ and tried to embrace this time of year, like I did when I was a kid if I could overcome this annual hibernation.
I have considered the power of the mind, and it’s possible that the more I say “I hate the cold” the more it becomes true, so I’m trying to find the pretty in the newest snowfall. To enjoy the coziness of the fireplace, a warm blanket and a cup of tea at night. I want to be excited about putting out the Christmas decorations and stuffing the tree with beautifully wrapped gifts.
- Am. Trying.
But I’ve noticed that every morning it gets harder for me to get out of bed, and every day it takes me a little longer to get ready for life. Some days I don’t even get dressed if I don’t have to see people I’m not related to.
I can feel the depression coming on. I can see it lurking in the corners.
When my phone rings I watch the screen until the voicemail picks up. I leave text messages unanswered because I just don’t want to have to respond. I simultaneously plan my “to do’s” while pushing it off to the next week because I just can’t bring myself to start. I cancel my massage appointments because I don’t want to leave my house. Who does that?
I’m just so tired you guys. And I feel the sadness, just under the surface constantly. I carry this lump in my throat, tears just waiting to spill over because my 15-year-old daughter looked at me wrong, or had an edge to her tone when she responded to my question.
I feel instantly betrayed when I see that a chore wasn’t done, and I dread my alarm clock because I know what I will see when I wake up.
Part of me knows that this will pass as winter gives way to spring, and that definitely helps, but I really don’t want to spend the next three months just watching the clock tick waiting for the thaw. I’m trying to find the happy in the cold, but it is exhausting.
Fighting depression is exhausting.
I’m wondering… do any of you guys feel like this too? I know it’s been a long while since I posted here and I’m hoping I haven’t lost you all because I could really use some commiserating right now.
*Side Note: I am using my Instagram to share my efforts to combat this, and I am working on a Listicle of sorts to share here. But if you’d like to follow along in real time, find my Instagram account: secretly.a.superhero