I feel like, for the most part, I am a pretty positive Spoonie. I accepted early on that my pain was permanent and that life was going to change. I do my very best every single day to find joy in the little things and to live, thrive even, despite the pain. I think that I am far from a blob on the couch just wasting away my life because it didn’t turn out like I had planned. There are times, here and there, when I get frustrated and I work through them as needed but for the most part I can say I am happy with my life.
Lately, though it seems like those moments of frustration and exhaustion creep in more and more. I cry almost every day now and most any moment or emotional thought can set it off. It’s not one of those teary eyed mini cries where your makeup doesn’t budge either. It’s a full on, ugly face sob that sounds like I am dying. I’m just so fucking sad I can hardly stand it.
I’m fully aware that I sound depressed, and I am. I like to call it “actively defeated.” You know that feeling when you’re so consumed with sadness or hurt that you literally just want to crawl into a hole and hide for days? That point in a conflict when you wave your white flag regardless of how sure you are that you deserve better? When every cell in your body wants to curl in on itself and heave huge ugly sobs until you throw up?
I don’t know that I have ever felt so suffocated by my life and yet there isn’t anything I can do about it but keep pushing on. I don’t have it in me to quit. To just lay there in my bed and watch the days run together. I also barely give enough fucks to get out of bed and make coffee. That’s not true. I make the coffee –and drink it, I just don’t care to get much further.
I tell myself that I just need a vacation. A good night’s sleep. A trip to the gym or a new shirt or pair of comfies but none of it works. I force myself to go through the motions of doing laundry, grocery shopping and dinner menus. I managed to get all of Christmas taken care of solo this season because The Hubs has been so busy with work. I thought for sure I would pull out of my funk over the holiday season but all I want to do is cry.
I’m so unbelievably lonely yet I get cranky at the thought of being around people. It’s a chore to text someone back and I have zero desire to go anywhere with anyone while simultaneously despising being alone.
I am a damn mess and I am at a loss as to how to fix it.
So I’m purging it all tonight while I sit home alone on New Year’s Eve in hopes that it will give me that fresh start that a new year promises. I’m giving myself permission to sob like a baby while I dump all of my hurts into the blogosphere and maybe the healing will begin in the morning.
The last four months or so have been wrought with stress from just about every angle. My son (who is 14 and Autistic) started dating which brought a whole mess of feelings for him to deal with and ultimately has been cutting as a means to deal with those feelings.
Which, in turn, makes me feel like a failure of a mom and at a loss as to how to help him heal from this. There isn’t anything I can do to make him stop and it guts me every day to know that he hurts so deeply that he feels like this is his only coping mechanism. It leaves me panicked when I can’t see him because I don’t know if he is happy or if he is dealing with things he can’t articulate and turning to self-harm to get it out. So he has been seeing a therapist and doing some behavioral work at home and I’ve been the one taking him to all of his appointments and acting as his in house therapist.
All three of my children are teenagers now and they are pumped full of hormones and attitude. It seems like arguments are as common as having breakfast and it’s exhausting to say the least. Everything turns into a fight and I find myself wanting to let them do whatever they want simply to avoid an argument. Just getting them to clean up after themselves is a battle and I feel like I am fighting it alone more often than not.
The Hubs has been “up for a promotion” since September and as a result he has been extra stressed about his job, jumping through the hoops of interviews and anticipating the shift once the switch is made. (Which still hasn’t happened.) His preoccupation with his work stress means that I have taken on even more of the load at home when it comes to dealing with the kids’ school stuff as well as just general day to day things. I did all of the Christmas shopping, wrapping, planning, and execution by myself, and I don’t foresee it being much easier once the job switch happens since that will bring a whole mess of stress of its own.
As if all of that wasn’t enough fun I’ve got some new pains in my pelvis that I just know are going to be something ridiculous to deal with and it makes my daily pain worse. I’m only allotted so much medication in a day so once it’s used up that’s it, what pain I have is what I’m left with and these days it feels like it’s not enough. I recently discussed increasing my medication with my Pain Specialist and while she agrees that an increase is probably appropriate that in itself is a battle for me.
If I don’t increase my dosage I am basically resigning myself to dealing with more daily pain. If I do, then I am digging myself even deeper into the hole that is opiate use and it’s just another reminder that this is my life. My “On this day” memories come through on my Facebook feed and I read the things I used to do in a day versus what I can do in a day now and it’s so defeating to see how much less I’m capable of.
So there it is. All of my worries and hurts all laid out on the page. There are eight minutes left of 2015 and I’m hoping that when the clock hits 12:00am and I watch the people on TV celebrating the next chapter in their life I will feel the same spark of hope. Happy New Year to my fellow Spoonies, and as always thanks for reading.