I get weird when it comes to talking about my medications. The fear of judgement is rampant in my mind as I skirt around the names of the medications while discussing them with my friends. (Even my mom and she is a nurse…and my MOM). When it’s time for another dose I turn away or go to another room to take them if I can. I saw something like “I need to run upstairs.” you know, to where my stash is. *wink, wink* I struggle to make eye contact with most everyone because I worry they can see my meds in my eyes. Do I look like I am on something? Can they tell I took pain medication? Sometimes the anxiety overwhelms me, and it becomes safer to just stay home. My insecurities run deep.
But I would be remiss if I told you that trial and error of medication is not huge in the world of us Spoonies so I’ve decided to share my newest adventure with you.
Last week on Tuesday I saw my Pain Specialist and we discussed the plan I was on, and how we could better manage my pain and decided it was best to try out an “around the clock” treatment plan. So for the last seven days I have been on Morphine 24/7.
Ho-ly shit you guys. I have never been so stoned in my life.
I hate it.
It’s like that feeling you have when you’re so sleep deprived or hung over that every little noise makes your body hurt. I’m hot, then cold, then sweating, then cold and sweating. It’s disgusting. If I walk up the stairs I am fighting to catch my breath, everything makes me breathe harder and I swear my heart is working twice as hard to pump. I’m sure my blood pressure is atrocious. I have this odd sort of tunnel/blurry vision thing going on that rivals a drunk fest at 2 am. Now it just makes me want to cry.
Hey! You know what? I got so drunk once that I cried, because I was too drunk and hated the way it felt. I’ve never much cared for the feeling of not being in control, of not being coherent and aware of my surroundings. That bit when you wake up from surgery in the recovery room? Hate that too. I know I could just sleep it off, but I want to know how it went, where is my husband, how are my kids? I fight so hard to clear my head and focus. I just don’t like it.
Right now I’m okay as long as I’m actively moving or focusing on something (such as this post) but the second I stop moving, or focusing so hard I might pee myself I lose it. My eyes blur over, my body gets so heavy it’s like quicksand and I just stare. (I promise, I have not driven in this state.) You’d think this would make for excellent sleeping conditions but that is one big fat “no”.
Sleeping sucks. I sweat. I sweat so much that I wake up dripping from every area possible, and some you wouldn’t even know could! I get up, towel off, change my sleep clothes and lay a towel down on the bed so I can sleep on something dry. A few hours later I wake again and repeat the cycle. I have to do extra loads of laundry just to accommodate my sleep sweats.
I’ve never been so excited to check in with doctor as I am to see her tomorrow. I have a HUGE week this week and the weekend is beautiful. The kids are getting out of school, there is family coming in from all over to hang out at my parents’ house, the infamous J Bunny is flying in to visit and The Hubs is finally adopting A. I cannot afford to be all cracked out on Morphine when so many memories are being made. Or should I say, I’d like to actually remember these events.
So am throwing myself at the mercy of the woman with the all-powerful Pen of Pain Medication and hoping that she takes pity and allows me to go back to the plan we had before. Maybe that plan wasn’t quite enough, but I can honestly tell you that not enough is way better than too much in my book. At least, at this point in my journey, I’m just not ready to get used to being stoned.
Now, I know some of you are thinking that I will eventually get used to this medication and my short lived stoner stage will be a thing of the past. To which I say –nope. I’m not ready to do that to myself. Can you imagine it? Being this medicated all the time and not feeling it?!?!?
We need a new plan. Stat.
Maybe this is something we employ post-surgery, or for a day or two when it’s bad. But on a daily level? Like vitamins or The Ellen Show?!? Sorry, Morphine, I just don’t like ya that much. Speaking of Morphine, I had an ending planned out for this post but wouldn’t you know I forgot it. So I guess I will say this:
Not every person you meet who uses narcotics is a person seeking a high. Not every person who is on pain medication for their condition is happy about it. It’s a decision you make to better the quality of your life and sometimes, like now, that quality is diminished even further by the very medication that was meant to help you. Most of us don’t wake up in the morning and giggle with glee at the prospect of getting medicated just to take a shower. And I will tell you what, a shower when your meds kick in is not always a good time people. I mean, sometimes you see unicorns, but that’s another post.