My Vegas trip has been rolling around my head since we got back. I just can’t seem to shake the icky I felt both while I was there, and increasingly so since I’ve been home. I have been feeling so insufficient since the moment we landed in Vegas, and I haven’t been able to shake it since we’ve been home. My short comings that were so clearly laid out for me while I failed repeatedly to keep up with The Hubs and the rest of the crew have been following me everywhere I go.
In my daily interactions I probably apologize for my inability to do something, anything, at least three times a day. Just today I sent this email to The Hubs:
“I feel like a nag, or a bossy wife asking this…but every time I vacuum I end up hurting for days.
Can you please try to vacuum our room twice a week? The Floor gets so nasty and I sit on it to do makeup and stretch almost every day.”
I had to fight myself to not include the sentence “I’m sorry to ask this but…”
Someone slap me.
Why am I apologizing for asking my husband to vacuum the bedroom that we share? Not because I feel bad asking him to do something, because I feel bad asking him to do something that I can’t do. And I do this countless times a day.
I’m sorry, can you push the cart for me?
I’m sorry, can we sit for a bit?
I’m sorry, I can’t meet for lunch. Can we change plans?
I’m sorry, can you help with dinner tonight?
I’m sorry, I am in a lot of pain right now; can you stay home tonight?
I see two things wrong here. 1. I am apologizing for my disability. That is just……..the definition of ridiculous. 2. I am asking permission to have what I need to help me feel better. Did you hear me? I am asking permission for what I NEED. This. Is. Not. Okay.
Last I checked, my friends have never made me feel bad for cancelling or changing plans last minute, (my real friends, not the ones that bailed when it got less than exciting to be around me) and marriage is a partnership deal. That whole “in sickness and in health” thing comes into play here.
Now, let me be clear, this is not necessarily The Hubs being unenthusiastic about being there for me. While I do wish that he would be more intuitive to me, the responsibility to make my needs important falls to me. I just have so much guilt about it all and it eats at me every time my condition affects him. Sure I feel better sitting on the couch versus standing to cook dinner, but I feel awful the entire time I do it. The feeling bad part completely negates the avoiding more pain part. I just need to find a way to stop feeling so guilty. I need to stop saying “I’m sorry.”
I need to stop apologizing for something that I have zero control over. I mean, I might as well say “I’m sorry it’s raining out. I know it ruined your plans for the beach.” It’s basically the same thing right?
I’ve been working at the whole “me first” thing for about a year now and in some respects I have done really well. However, in this department I am falling quite short. I suppose the root of the issue is that I still have yet to completely accept myself in this new way. If I were truly comfortable with my body and all of its malfunctions I would not feel the need to apologize for them. If I was completely secure in myself, regardless of my limitations I would not feel the need to compensate with an apology every time I asked for help, or compassion.
I stumbled across this quote from Eckhart Tolle a few months ago “When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it. All else is madness.”
I think of this quote almost daily as it reminds me that I have 3 choices whenever I am faced with something that hurts me. Leave it, change it, or accept it. I cannot leave my body, I cannot change my condition so I must accept it. I must stop apologizing for everything I ask for. I must stop saying “Sorry, not sorry” and simply say “not sorry.