This week’s “Dear Pain…” post is more of a story than a letter, and it touched my heart when I read it. This story gives us a peak into what it’s like for our writer, her quiet thoughts that she doesn’t share. It also tells us a little about her desire to be pain free, not for herself, but for her family. Even though she is hurting, her concern for her family still takes center stage for her.
“I’ve had unexplained pelvic pain for over two years. When I can’t stand the pain anymore, when I can’t pretend to smile, I retreat to the bathroom and take a shower so my kids and husband don’t have to see. If it’s so bad I can’t even stand in the shower, I will quietly go lay in my bed. Eventually my sweet husband checks on me, but almost always it’s my two year old first. She has this sense about her that she knows me and when I’m upset. The first time she did this I has gone to my bed and was super quiet and crying… She just got in bed with me and put her arms around me and held me. She didn’t say a word, just those sweet arms hugging tight around my neck and my tears hitting her face.
The last time I had to break down, I had just put my other children to bed and laid down with her (she sleeps with me) and I finally was able to quietly let the tears roll. She was playing my phone so I didn’t think she would notice. But she sat up and looked at me and said “cry?”. I shook my head yes because I couldn’t talk. Then she said, “ok?”, and again I shook my head yes and she put her sweet arms around my neck to hold me again. She knows I hurt and I’m amazed by the love and compassion even my baby shows me.
I need to be better for my family. Knowing someone you love is hurting, is painful. I don’t want them to hurt, physically or emotionally. I can’t hide it, so I have to keep going and get better so they don’t have to see.”