It’s finally here! Our first week of “Dear Pain…”! I know, I know, I promised to start this last week, unfortunately I had a bit of a set back with the medical piece of my life and I had to put it on hold. But here we are (finally) and I am excited to share our first post!
As a reminder, the objective here isn’t to bring down the mood of the room, or make anyone feel bad. The hope here, is that our readers who are in pain will see that they are not alone, readers that aren’t in pain can get an idea of what their loved ones who suffer are going through, and the writers themselves can make a statement to their pain.
If, at any point in our series you feel inspired to write your own letter to your pain please don’t hesitate to send one to TheseNext6Months@gmail.com.
If you don’t suffer from pain, but know someone who does and would like to write about what you see them going through, I’d love to read those letters as well.
Remember to specify if you’d like to remain anonymous, and include any websites, blogs, or social media handles you’d like to share.
Okay, enough of that. Here is our first submission:
You are sneaky. I will give you that. You came into my life in a way that I wasn’t expecting. You came in a way I wasn’t comfortable to discuss so I didn’t. At first I figured you would go away. So I pushed you as far back in my mind as I could. But you were there, lurking, growing until you could no longer be ignored. Until you took over my life and began to suck all that was good from it. You took my hobbies. You took my real smile. You took my laughter. You took my confidence. You took my dignity. You took my patience. You took my hope. You tried to take my faith. You tried even harder to take my marriage.
You worked tirelessly to make my role as a mother as difficult as possible. You stole so many moments of joy. You emptied my bank account. You brought me to my knees. And left me there. I never thought I would wake up in the middle of the night and be screaming into a pillow and sweating because I thought I couldn’t take the pain one more minute. I never thought I would be that crazy lady they call back from the waiting room immediately because I am disturbing other patients with my weeping.
I never thought I would develop bizarre ticks like rubbing my bare feet across the carpet to distract me from the pain or counting in my head repeatedly to make it through one minute at a time at work when I just want to scream. I never though I would know what it was like to have to get up everyday and put on a fake smile and go through the motions when every bit of me is screaming of pain inside.
I never thought I would ignore calls from people close to me because I simply didn’t have the energy to pretend to be ok for one more minute. I never thought I would feel so alone. I never thought that pushing a grocery cart or standing in line somewhere could push me to the point of needing a narcotic. I never thought I would be called a drug seeker and be berated because I wanted something let me breathe and function just a little better. I never thought to I would be in the stirrups so F*ing much. I never thought I would have to share the most intimate parts of my body and my life with a room full of strangers….all at once.
Be told I was simply anxious and not in real pain or pain to that extent. I never thought I would then question myself so deeply that I worried maybe I was just crazy after all. I never thought I would have to repeatedly lay with my butt exposed and have giant needles shoved in my back/tailbone. I never thought I would need more than one hand to count surgeries. I never thought I would get to the point that rarely a week went by without a dr or therapy appointment taking time away from my precious boys. I never thought I would plan my shopping trips around stores where I knew where the bathroom was.
I never thought I would have to give up my shot gun seat with my husband on trips when we used to get to talk so much because I can’t sit that long. I never thought putting on a pair of khakis could be so painful I pretend to spill something on myself so I can change into scrubs. I never thought I would get so dark that I would wish to not wake up.
You did this to me.
But I want you to know you won’t win. I won’t give up. You may have nearly broken me but I plan on fighting you. You have taken so much but I am going to fight with absolutely everything I have to not let you take anymore. You might not go away although I wish you would. There are things that I will never get back and for that I hate you. But I want you to know that I don’t plan on letting you run the show anymore. If you don’t go away I will find a way to live with your sorry ass and I plan on taking back as much as I can of what you stole.
I will find a way to take your evil ways and make them good. They say without suffering there would be no compassion. I have seen so much compassion. I have seen it be cultivated in others because of me. Because of you I treasure those beautiful moments in life with my husband and my kids I would have probably taken for granted before. Because of you I have a depth of understanding and empathy for those who suffer in ways I would have never had before.
Because of you my faith is no longer surface deep. I have walked deeper into my faith and my relationship with God more than ever before because you forced me to. I could no longer walk alone. You showed me that. You drove me into the arms of my Savior. In the end, that is a gift. Bet you didn’t mean for that but it happened anyways. I hope we part ways soon never to meet again but please know even if we stay together forever, I AM a worthy opponent.
ps- you suck.”