WOW! 3 months, almost to the button, since we’ve visited last.
So much to tell, I have no idea where to start. I think it’s best to start right where I am, and I can catch you up later on the rest. Last time we chatted, errr, I wrote and you read I was recovering from my latest procedure. The end all surgery from hell. I am finally fully recovered and there was even some notable improvements to my condition. None however so fantastic that my life changed really.
Anyway, off the topic. The thing that prompted this post is that I am in desperate need of reassurance and I just can’t seem to find it anywhere. Not in my friends, not in my family, not even from myself.
Do you ever look back over all of the stuff you’ve been through and think to yourself “holy crap! I am one tough cookie!” and then immediately wish someone else would notice how tough you are too? I know, I know, we are supposed to be confident in ourselves and not need other people to value our self worth. But beyond that whole deal, do you know what I mean?
When you’re sick, or have chronic pain you are constantly second guessing yourself. Have you ever heard the saying “it could be worse”? We live by that saying. Every day I remind myself I could be dying, or going through a divorce, or one of my kids could fall ill. My husband could be sick. All of these things would be more difficult to me than being in pain like I am. I try to remind myself of all the great things I have in my life; my family, friends, pets, my home, I have all my teeth and some pretty awesome hair 😉 but there are days when I just want to be able to sit down with someone, look at them and say..
“This sucks. This freaking sucks. This absolutely, beyond a doubt fucking sucks and I hate it. I hate it. It SUCKS!!!”
After I say that, I don’t want to be told “It could be worse” or “but think of all the good things you have..”. No, I am not one to wallow in self pity, and I hate looking at the glass half empty, but sometimes the glass IS half empty damn it. What I want is the person across from me to say “you’re right, this fucking sucks and I am sorry you have to go through it”.
I want people to stop telling me that I shouldn’t take pain meds, or that the procedures I have had weren’t that bad because they were easy for them. I want people to stop telling me not to care so much about stuff and instead tell me that I am awesome for being so compassionate and aware of other people’s needs. I want someone besides myself to recognize how unbelievably bad ass I am for walking around every day feeling like I do and not ever letting it show.
I want someone besides me to realize how much it sucks to put these stupid pills in my body that make me feel sick, or crazy or sleepy but I keep trying them anyway because one of them might work. And I want that someone to realize how much guts it takes to keep going back for more. Even though you know it might not work.
But….there isn’t really anyone like that around. When I get brave enough to take my mask off in front of a choice few people all it does is make them uncomfortable. They don’t know what to say or how to respond. They have no idea what it’s like and don’t even try to guess. They assume because I still smile and laugh that it can’t be all that bad, so I should just try to remember that it could be worse.
I know that if I am feeling this way, there has to be others out there feeling this way too. I know there are other people out there who need to be told just how brave they are and it wouldn’t be right for me to want something that I won’t give out myself.
To Miranda, Maret, Mackenzie, Lois, Carla, Dana, Stacy, Tammy, Lynn, Amber and Anika;
You ladies are bad ass. Seriously, bad ass. You relentlessly push for answers, for understanding and for relief. You get poked and prodded and examined over and over again all in the hopes of help. You are forced to defend yourselves and your decisions to the very people who should support you (family, friends, doctors) and you never stop smiling or laughing.
You are amazing.
You go to work, clean your house, take care of your children and love your husbands without so much of a grimace. You are brave and patient and strong. You are determined to live your lives, even when your body says ‘no’. You have given up so many things, and lost others in the process yet you still find joy. No one will ever understand your struggle the way you do, and that makes this hard. Never forget how amazing you are and that you deserve every single chance at happiness that passes your way.
You ladies are bad ass. So I guess, so am I 🙂