Day 139: . . . .

I don’t know what to call this one, but I feel like I should warn you that this one is probably going to be a bit…..heavy.

My counselor says I minimize everything, which seems ridiculous because I am diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety disorder. So you would think that I would exaggerate everything.  On second thought, maybe that’s why I have the occasional anxiety attack.. all the stuff I “minimized” sneaks up to bite me and I lose it for a little while?  Any way… that’s another post yes?

As I was saying, my counselor says I minimize everything, so if I tell her I am uncomfortable during a chat, she knows I really mean “this crap hurts today and I want to cry.” I have to admit I really like that she can tell this about me, because I absolutely hate saying how much it hurts. In fact, I hate it so much that I get cranky when people ask me how I am. To your average person “How are you?” means just that. But when people ask me how I am, they really mean, how are you feeling today? How is your pain? Has anyone cured you yet?  I get even crankier when people ask me flat-out how my pain has been or if I am in pain right this minute.

I am always in pain. Always. There is no such thing as zero pain in my day. This is depressing though, so I try not to focus on that, so when we chat or hang out I don’t always want to talk about it. I want to talk about the kids, and work and family plans and all the other things that life is about. So, when you ask how I am, I am most likely not going to answer with how much it hurts today. I don’t want to because I get one of 2 reactions. 1. They say they are sorry I am hurting with this really sad look on their face like I said I am dying or 2. They say nothing, which makes me feel worse because I feel like they didn’t really want to know in the first place. Just asked because they think they are supposed to. Both situations make me feel sad….

The other thing is that I don’t really know how I am supposed to act when it hurts. I don’t usually want to cry and I rarely feel the need to curl up in a ball on the couch or whine about it. To be honest, I have a hard time even saying the word pain. I tend to say I am uncomfortable which is not always an accurate statement. Your tag itching the back of your neck is uncomfortable, feeling like someone has repeatedly kicked you in the pelvis is painful.  Like I said, I don’t know how I am supposed to act, so I just keeping doing what needs to be done. I cook, and clean and go to work. I run errands and help the kids with homework.

Rarely is it so bad that I can’t get these things done… but then there are days like today.Today sucks and what makes it worse is I don’t know how to tell anyone that it sucks. Over the course of the evening yesterday it started to get bad. I had all my nieces over and we were having so much fun. The more fun we had, the worse my pain got. In fact, by the time the left it was hard to stand up straight it hurt so bad. I got off my feet as soon as I could, but The Hubs had to go to work so I still needed to take care of dinner and A (youngest kiddo)which continued to aggravate the pain.

This morning wasn’t any different, I woke up about 9 am exhausted from being up so late the night before (hard to sleep when it hurts that bad). I took my first dose of pain meds and tried to go back to sleep for a bit. 2 hours later I gave up my quest for sleep and came downstairs to the sounds of The Hubs on the phone making plans to go play poker with his friends for the day.

Dilemma #1) How am I going to parent A today when it hurts so bad I want to cry? The answer seems simple enough; The Hubs can stay home and parent while I lay on the couch. This brings me to Dilemma #2) Asking The Hubs to stay home from poker. First of all, this hardly seems fair, since he isn’t the one hurting. It’s lame enough that I can’t do fun things today, but now I am going to make him miss out on fun too? Secondly, even if I did ask him to stay home, he wouldn’t just say “okay” he would try to find a compromise, or ask throughout the day if I felt better enough for him to go. Which makes me feel….. I don’t know how it makes me feel but it sucks, so I don’t ask.

So, I am at home with A and we are chilling out watching TV and she is playing with her dolls and we are chatting occasionally. I feel bad though because I can tell I am being short with her not because I don’t want to talk with her, but because it hurts and when things hurt you get cranky. I was in the process of making plans with a friend to watch a movie with her and her kids tonight but I had to cancel. I don’t have the pain tolerance to try to be social for 2.5 hours to watch a movie with her and her kids. Which in turn disappoints A because now she isn’t going to see her friends today. Which also  means I am back to trying to entertain her when all I really want to do is sleep and whine and cry because it I am miserable today. It’s not her fault that I am miserable though, so I do my best to participate in conversation with her. Of course I still make sure she has a good lunch and take the dogs out and all that. In the back of my mind though, I am dreading the fact that I am still 5 hours away from bed time and it feels more like 5 weeks until bed time.

Not just because I have to take care of A until bed time, but because I have to sit here by myself and deal with being in pain for 5 more hours. To be honest, I think this upset me more because it is so damn lonely. It’s lonely because I don’t have anyone that understands it, not completely. I don’t have anyone to just sit with me and just be here without the demand of conversation or entertainment. It’s lonely because I know that everyone else I know is still out doing all the things they want to, without having to worry about being in pain and that makes me feel trapped in a weird sort of way. All of this is just stupid and I hate it some days and today is one of those days. 

Like I said, I don’t really have a positive message for this one. It sucks, and I hate it today and I felt like complaining… so I did.

 

2 thoughts on “Day 139: . . . .

Add yours

  1. Thanks for writing this, it isn’t easy to put the hard stuff ut there, especially when you are already feeling lonely. As usual, I am reading and saying,”yes..yup…that too.”

    I was really struck by the notion that I also have no idea how to act when I am in terrible pain. Mine is 24/7, like yours, and that doesn’t give you any cue to take time away from responsibility. So, for me at least, it becomes easier to pretend it isn’t happening. Probably very stupid, but if it was pain that came and went, at least I would know when to take a break and ask for help.

    Hope the nasty bout has subsided for you. I’m sure A loves movie time with her mom, even if it is a little cranky, kids are amazing that way.

    Like

    1. Thank you for this. It is comforting to know that someone understands my odd rambling. It also makes me sad that someone else is suffering this way. If you figure out how we are supposed to act when the pain is bad, fill me in. Best of luck in your newest venture. I see you are going to move forward with your spinal implant and I would love to hear how that pans out for you.
      Best.

      Like

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