I know it has been basically forever since I have been here with you, hopefully this 1. explains it and 2. is worth the wait.
I have heard writers say that the stories in their mind won’t let them sleep. I am not a story teller per say, so I can’t say that a particular character has ever caused my insomnia. However, I can say that I have these thoughts, these feelings, these secrets that I need to put on paper (or Word 2010, whichever) or they haunt me.
I suppose it isn’t much different than the desire a painter feels when they need to put an image on the canvas, or a song writer when they need to sing a verse; same concept, different outlet. Anyway, I have been putting off this very post for about 3 months now, and it is daring me to ignore it for one more night. To be honest, I don’t want to know what it will do if I accept, so I am letting the words win…
For what feels like months now I have been struggling to hold on to who I was before this pain came into my life. I have been reliving all the fun times I had back when it didn’t hurt me to stay out all night with my friends, or dance 3 shows in a week. I have been remembering the friend I used to be to another, and the woman I was; who I thought I was supposed to be.
I had every right to be sad about giving up the things I used to do because it hurt me. It’s normal to mourn the loss of my old life, and that is exactly what I’ve been doing. And, just like a griever finds solace knowing that their ailing friend is now in a better place; that sadness has dissipated and I can see my (metaphoric) better place. To tell the truth, I don’t know that I ever would have gotten here without the help of my PCS.
Crazy isn’t it? The idea that a chronic pain condition can actually shape you and your life for the better? It’s amazing the things God will do to shape you into who you are meant to be. Can you blame Him though? With all the pressure and hype of society, media and even your friends telling you who you’re supposed to be, it’s nearly impossible to hear Him show you who you are.
If you would have asked me who I was 2 years ago, or even 8 months ago, I would have told you I was a dancer, a mom, and a wife who worked for her best friend’s husband. Ask me now, and I will tell you I am a mom, a wife, and a Business Administrator with aspirations of going places in her position and her life.
Sounds the same right? I am still listing most of the same things that make me who I am, but did you notice the order? Seems my priorities finally sorted themselves out. For years I considered myself a part of the nightclub industry both as a performer and a patron. I loved all the dressing up, the going out with VIP bottle service and taking picture after picture of us all being fabulous together. At one point, shortly before my marriage, dancing was my only job and I was in love with the idea of my life being that way forever. Dancing 3-4 nights a week and staying home with my kids all day, hanging out with my exclusive friend and making a show of how unique we, and our friendship, was.
So (needless to say) when the pain got really bad just this past May (2012) and scattered all the pieces of my life like little flecks of glitter in a snow globe after you shake it- I was pretty upset. It wasn’t fair that I had to give up going out with my friends all the time. It wasn’t fun to stop dancing as many shows as I wanted to because it hurt too much to stay on my feet all night. It was too hard to know my friends got to hit the gym after work, when I had to go home and lay down. I hated having to give all that up. I spent so much of my energy hating what I was losing, that I almost completely missed out on what I was gaining.
All those nights I used to be out dancing are now spent at home with my kids. I never realized how much I missed out on when they were away at Gramma’s for the weekend so The Hubs and I could work. Now, even when they are gone overnight I can’t wait to get them back. I love watching movies with them, and coloring in our color books, and making cookies or just talking about things they like.
Even after The Hubs and I got married I remained fairly independent. We both work, but since I work less I ran the house-and the kids by myself. I don’t think either of us realized how much we were cheating ourselves out of until I needed him to help. Now running the household is something we do together. Housework, grocery shopping, cooking, homework and swim class. The Hubs has never been so involved with our kids, and that’s not the only dynamic of our family to change.
I used to feel like I had a best friend (well, more of an appendage than a friend since we rarely left each other’s side) and then I had a husband. The best friend is who I spent most of my time with, and my husband was, well, a husband. I never realized how totally and completely wrong this was, and how much I was missing. Because of my PCS The Hubs and I have become so much closer, and I can see what marriage is supposed to be. My husband is that previously mentioned best friend shaped appendage.
This space has also made room for friends I had since lost touch with, and I am thankful for the changes in my life that brought them back to me. When I stopped trying to be who I was and starting learning who I am, I also learned that my one super exclusive friendship was not altogether healthy.
But, for every fleck of glitter that has settled itself into a space at the bottom of the globe, there are still several others still floating around, trying to find their new place. I am learning who my true people are now that my Friday night is a movie on the couch in my comfies, not out and about downtown.
I have never really been the type for New Year’s Resolutions, but it seems to be a pretty fitting concept at this point in my life. So, I resolve myself to embrace this version of me, and to explore ideas and inspirations I once thought wouldn’t suite me (or my friends). I resolve to be who I want to be, without apologies for my limitations and to live my life in a way that makes me happy first.