Seems like my life has been consumed by all of this for the past few weeks. All I think about is why it hurts, how to relieve it and what can be done to fix it.
I Google, I read, I Google, I read and then I Google and read some more. After that I talk about it, over and over again until I find a way to make it all make sense to me. I have an amazing support system, and they listen to me babble on, and on, and on about this without ever looking or sounding bored, or exasperated. But at this point I think even my cat is tired of listening to me talk about all of this.
In an attempt to tailor my life around this pain, and ways to cope with it I have managed to let my life become this pain and I forgot to enjoy everything else. I have watched the last few weeks pass me by on auto pilot, just doing what I need to do to get through the day until I can go back to bed. Focusing on the things I can’t do, or shouldn’t do instead of the things I can do, the things I want to do.
Today I woke up and decided I didn’t want to feel sad today. I decided to throw my hands up in the air, and let God take care of things for me-and He did.
On my drive to work today I found myself calling my Interventional Radiologist’s office to schedule a follow up from my second embolization in July. (I was supposed to go in August, but I was only 2 weeks post op at that time, so I had to wait) I had decided not to follow up with my IR at my surgeons recommendation that I wait out these next 6 months before I move forward with other treatments, but somehow this just felt right.
Towards the end of the day I decided to make an appointment with a new doctor within my network to see about a second opinion-something I have been considering for a while but was too nervous to do. I was able to get in next week and shortly after that I received a call from the long awaited Pain Management Clinic.
I have been anxiously awaiting this phone call for 2.5 weeks now. These people specialize in managing pain in a multifaceted approach of emotional, mental and physical treatment. They too, have an opening for me next week.
I feel like I have progress, forward movement. New, fresh faces of people who want to help me. People who are meant to listen to me talk about this and can help me with an education tailored to people with my conditions.
For the first time in weeks I feel like there is a light, I can see the top of the hill and I am still climbing towards it
For the first time in weeks I can see myself in the mirror and I look forward to seeing me there again in the morning.