Day 4: Too Much

When I met with my surgeon to discuss the results of this last procedure he confirmed that I still have a ‘fair amount’ of untreated PCS on the right side and a small amount on the left side within my pelvic floor.  This means that it is time to start treating myself like someone with PCS instead of pelvic pain from an unknown source that never goes away. At least, with this diagnosis I can understand the triggers, what causes the flair ups and how best to adjust my life around it. So for this, I am thankful.

If I were to be completely honest however, I would have to say that I have been quite sad since I got this news earlier this week. It’s hard to hear that I won’t ever be 100% pain free, and that I will spend the rest of my life (I am only 29) trying to work around my pain.  This week has also been especially difficult for me pain wise. I am steadily waking up around a 3-4 every morning, and progressing to a 7 most evenings. Today was especially difficult. Usually, if I miss my next dose of medication it takes a while for my pain to really escalate again. Today I had managed to go from a 2 to a 7 within 45 minutes of my meds wearing off. Of course, I was at work so laying down on a couch in my comfies with a stuffy and a hot pack while my meds kicked in was not an option.  I still had to answer the phone, and work in the books, and talk to my office-mate (like a room mate but we share an office. She also happens to be my Pirate Sister).

When work was over I still had to go home and be patient while my children relived every moment of their school day with me at the kitchen table, then make dinner and work through homework with them.  I had to smile and say hello to my hubs and discuss his day, as well as all the things we’d like to get done this weekend. I also had planned to call Bunny (my bestie) on my way home since it’s been a few days since we’ve chatted. Before I even hit the freeway all of this seems too much to face today and I started to cry. I cried my whole drive home.  After I got home I dropped my things in the kitchen and headed for the bedroom. I was supposed to change into my gym clothes so we could all head to Lifetime for my first post-op workout, but since I was steady at a 6 this was not going to happen.

Yet another thing I had to give up.

I cried.

Again.

I hate this.

This is getting to be exhausting. Every day I wake up and before I am even completely awake I can feel the dull, aching, buzzing pain in my hips, back and low pelvis. Most days I am in a pretty good mood and some days I have to fake it. Other days-like today- faking it is just too much. Other days I just want, no, need to cry and snuggle in my bed and just be. I need to be able to cry if I want to, and sleep when I am tired and just let my body do what it needs to do to cope with this. I try to give myself  time to do this. No, it’s not healthy to be sad all the time, but sometimes it is necessary to get those feelings out so they don’t stay stuffed down inside, eating away at you. Unfortunately today was not a day I could just let go. More unfortunately is the fact that my body did not care. So, instead of putting on my gym clothes I laid down on my bed, put the pillow over my face and cried my eyes out. I allowed myself to have a pity party and I cried until I was sure I had run out. Then I cried a little bit more.

Now, I hope you understand that I am not telling you all of this so you will feel bad for me. To be honest, this isn’t even really for you, it’s for me. I need a place to put all of this so I don’t have to feel it all day every day. I know, I know, I should be talking to a friend about this. Or The Hubs. But I don’t. I don’t because there is no reason to drag them all down here with me. We all have hard times in our lives, and we all have our own issues to worry about and there is no reason to dump my sad, sad day onto anyone else’s already full plate.  Don’t get me wrong, I am all about talking out issues with a friend, or venting when something upsets me. Likewise I hope my friends know they can always come to me when they need someone. I am happy to help them work through an issue. But this issue is not something we are going to work through. There is no resolution. It’s just a never ending vent about my body’s desire to fail me at every turn. So- instead of dumping this all on my friends when it gets to be too much, I am going to dump it here.

Which brings me to my next Lifestyle Adjustment: counselors and doctors agree that writing is great way to relief stress and cope with things-like chronic pain. I have been encouraged by my counselor to find a ‘place’ for my pain as a means to keep it separate of me. It is important to remember that your condition does not define you. This blog is my ‘place’ for my pain. It is the place I can go and dump all of my frustrations and thoughts so that they do not fog up my every day. Sometimes it may get a little sad here, but I appreciate those of you who read anyway.

Thanks for reading.

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